Thursday, July 16, 2009

untitled


It looks like the depression stuck around longer than I thought. I have hit a weird place..I want to say a place I have not hit before but maybe I have. It feels like I put on the breaks, made them stop the ride and I got off. The anxiety is around much more and it seems like my life is getting smaller. I have real trust issues and I want to just shut down my heart and my mind (no dreams, goals, desires...) Oh how I wish I could be like Mr. Spock and suppress my emotions. Maybe I have done that and that's the problem...I am exhausted and I want to just live under the covers in my fairy tale world of tv cartoons and witches, wizards and space travel (harry potter, star trek). I can't since it wouldn't be fair to my children who need me. Plus it isn't fair to my "safe person" who needs his life back.

I try not to dream, long, desire but little bits sneak in. My thoughts come back to psychology and how I'd like to be a therapist and help others who are dealing with this one day (as well address the mental health of the homeless population). I am constantly watching the Travel channel, living through Samantha Brown and ANthony Bourdain (I love Andrew Zimmer but I have no desire to eat what he eats!) I snatch little pieces of freedom and independence in my dreams where it's safe (sorta) and then dismiss it just as quickly.

I am distancing myself from my friends. I do not want to be a bother and I know they are sick of my same ole lame ass story of why I'm unable to do this, that or the other. I am embarrassed.

I'm looking for another therapist...again. We shall see...It's anyone's guess where I will end up. (not complaining, not whining, not expecting any pity or special treatment...just calling it as I see it)

Monday, February 2, 2009

It's been a long time...


(Eric B & Rakim always pop into my head when I type that--smile)

I have neglected my blog for a minute but I haven't forgotten it. I still plan on doing my podcast and I am still moving forward. I hit a little bump but that hasn't and won't stop me. :)

It seems like the winter holiday season brought out a bit of a depression for me. Maybe it was the change in my routine because of the holiday break. The anxiety was higher and it has been more difficult to push myself to "run toward the roar." Guess I'm walking toward the roar these days but hey, as long as I get there it doesn't matter right?

I have reached one of my goals so I am proud of that. I am driving a bit with no other adult with me and I am working on doing things including being alone more (again without my so called safe person(s) ). I am DETERMINED to not go back to where I was. Period!

I am thinking about things I had avoided for along time. Things like dreams, goals and my life's purpose. That is scary in itself but hey, "run toward the roar." Or in the words of the late great Bernie Mac, "I ain't scared of you!"

I guess the bottom line is I'm starting to think about life, my life,thinking about living my life. Enjoying my life. Being bold in my life, loud in my life, colorful in my life, LOVING MY LIFE.

(back with you soon)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Just Fine as Mary would say...


Mary J. Blige that is. :)

I am still moving forward. I am reaching some of my goals. It is hard to believe that I am driving and actually anticipating doing things on my own. I feel like I am slowly moving in the right direction. I value myself and I feel good about where I am. I have a LONG way to go but that is okay. It is not about the destination but rather the journey. And I am determined to make this one hell of a journey!

I no longer feel like anxiety rules my life. I am blessed and so grateful for where I am. I pray I continue to move forward and I pray that I am able to help others along the way.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

moving forward still..


It has been a while since I have visited my journal. Life has kept me busy. The paxil is working and I am on the lowest dosage. After reading Don't Panic for the second time I have decided that I have to love the mat and run to the roar. :)

I am moving forward with my life regardless of panic or not. I make sure to exercise every day (and I do at least 6 days a week) and I meditate daily. The second car is finally repaired so I drive almost every day following my husband. Some days are easier than others. But I have decided that I can no longer run from the anxiety. I am taking baby steps to get to where I want to be.

I am not critical of my progress nor will I rush myself. The only schedule I am on is my own. This is one way that I show myself love. I am really conscious of my thinking. I see just how important my attitude and thoughts are to my rebuilding my life.

I am nowhere near where I want to be. That is okay. I am proud of myself and I am confident that one day I will look up and discover that I am moving in circles of self strength and peace... living my life fearlessly! :)

Monday, July 7, 2008

Moving out of my comfort zone


I am really working on slowly moving out of my comfort zone and facing the things I have avoided for so long. You know, when I think about it, it isn't the things I avoid but rather the feelings that are results of the things. I have avoided feeling for a very long time. I have blocked out pain, sadness, and anger out of fear that it would consume and destroy me. As a child maybe that behavior was necessary as a coping technique but I am no longer a child. I am learning that I am fully capable of caring for my emotional self. There is no need to be afraid of it.

I avoid many things out of fear of having a panic attack. It really sucks to have a panic attack, trust me. It is scary to feel like you are unable to breathe fully and deeply. It is scary to feel like your heart is pounding out of control. It is scary to feel dizzy, disoriented and indecisive. It is terrifying to feel all of those things at the same time.

I have to take the fear away or better yet, "feel the fear and do it any way." I have to risk feeling all those things. I have to risk that just maybe I am actually dying but trust that I will be able to do all that I can to take care of myself. I have to risk feeling anxious, telling people, asking for help. I have to risk not being in control. I have to risk being patient. I have to take risks!

Dr. R. Reid Wilson put it best:

You must step up onto the platform of acceptance... Say yes to every experience; that's where you start... Freedom comes by saying yes to whatever trap life puts you in, then doing something to get yourself out...Think of attitudes in a new way: think of them as technique...You must find ways to accept risk and tolerate uncertainty...since living demands risk. (Don't Panic)
The alternative he offers also reinforces the importance of acceptance and taking risks:

You can keep worrying about the risk while you continue with these behaviors. That leads to anxiety and the increased likelihood of panic. Or you can withdraw from these activities. The world can get by with you never flying again. The world can get by if you never enter another restaurant. There are consequences to these behaviors, of course...But it's your choice...I encourage you, instead, to practice this idea of accepting uncertainty. (Don't Panic, pg 190)

So forward I continue. And I'm giving myself permission to take my time. I may miss out on some things. Some people may leave. But in the end I will be where I need to be and I will be healthier and more joy filled for the journey.

Monday, June 16, 2008

To medicate or not to medicate...


That is always the question.

I have an appointment on Friday to speak with someone to start taking medication again for panic disorder/agoraphobia. It has taken me awhile to come to this decision and accept that I really do need medication to be able to move forward with reclaiming my independence and facing the things I have avoided doing regularly for so long.

The first medication I took was Paxil. I took that for 6 years. This was after living with and struggling with this disorder for 7 years medicine free (some times I was living other times, more often, I was struggling). I was prescribed Zoloft when I has my first major panic episode and became housebound for about 3 weeks. I filled the prescription but never took any of it. Fast forward 7 years where I was frustrated, depressed (big time), anxious (again big time) and suicidal. The breaking point for me was one time I was out practicing driving. I got so frustrated that I couldn't even drive around the block without the constant high level anxiety that I thought, "I should just slam the car into a tree and get it over with." I actually sat there for a few minutes deciding if I should really do it too. That same day (I believe) I called and made an appointment to see a therapist and a few weeks later I gave in and got on antidepressants.

I did have side effects primarily, drowsiness, twitching (eye), weird (and I do mean weird) dreams and unfortunately increased anxiety (now, couldn't they have figured out some way to get rid of that side affect since many of us are taking it to help REDUCE anxiety?!). The side effects were tolerable however and didn't last long. About 3 or 4 weeks into it I started to feel "good." My racing thoughts were gone. My emotions were stable and I wasn't anxious 24/7.

Why then am I, 6 years later, going back on meds? Because I have not advanced very much with this disorder in the way of getting my independence back. Again, you ask, why then am I taking meds again, they didn't cure me the last time so why go that route again? Well, I have discovered that meds will NOT cure me. Okay, I already knew this but I guess I forgot. I didn't do my work and I did NOT take responsibility in making sure I was doing what I needed to do for me so that I would heal. I did not do therapy consistently. I didn't do my breathing work consistently. I didn't exercise consistently. I didn't watch what I ate. I didn't keep the stress in check. I didn't monitor and challenge my negative thinking, my mistaken beliefs and my physically symptoms that tell me I'm getting off track. I didn't journal consistently. I didn't spend time with my spiritual Self often. I didn't address the things my soul was telling me I needed. I didn't take care of me like I should. I did do what I always have done: spend all of my time and energy focused on everyone else so I wouldn't have to look at me.

I see now exactly what role medication should play in my healing. It can not take the place of me doing the work I need to do. There is no way around changing my life...that is if I truly want a life. I will have to do those things I mentioned previously. And I will have to do them for a lifetime, not just the meantime. This is big and hard for me because it requires me to change the way I think. It requires me to learn to believe that I truly am worthy and valuable enough to take care of me. Now that's revolutionary change!

(I'll let you all know how the appointment goes)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What are anxiety disorders?

I am a member of several groups focusing on anxiety disorder and phobias. Recently I joined another group and was posting an introduction where I shared my history of dealing with agoraphobia. A member took the liberty to correct me by stating that:

...I believe agoraphobia is fear of big open places... usually means you don't want, or completely don't go outside. There are alot of terms, and many are related and share certain traits


I also had a therapist once (a therapist I was paying weekly mind you) tell me that I wasn't having nor had I ever had "panic attacks" but instead I was having "anxiety attacks." She reminded me that, "If I had a panic attack it would have sent me to the ER." Those of us with panic disorder or anyone who has ever had a panic attack knows this is not true, and also knows that once anyone has a panic attack they are CLEAR about it. Other words they know they didn't have an "anxiety attack" and they know the difference between panic and anxiety.

These comments got me thinking that maybe most people probably aren't familiar with the definitions and characteristics of agoraphobia and other anxiety disorders. The first person's definition is taken from the dictionary, is outdated and not one that professionals use to diagnose. I assume the therapist though her reducing my experience would bring me ease.

Since I have this space I will post information on the various anxiety disorders taken from the Anxiety Disorders Association of America's website in the hopes that it will educate those who may need more information.

GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things. People with the disorder, which is also referred to as GAD, feel that worrying is beyond their control and they are powerless to stop it. They often expect the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. This anxiety or worry occurs on more days than not for at least six months. Exaggerated and unrelenting worry often centers around issues of health, family, money, or work, and it can interfere with all aspects of a person's life.

Physical symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder include the following:

muscle tension
fatigue
restlessness
difficulty sleeping
irritability
edginess
gastrointestinal discomfort or diarrhea

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
People with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) suffer from unwanted and intrusive thoughts that they can't seem to get out of their heads (obsessions), often compelling them to repeatedly perform ritualistic behaviors and routines (compulsions) to try and ease their anxiety. Most people who have OCD are aware that their obsessions and compulsions are irrational, yet they feel powerless to stop them. Some spend hours at a time performing complicated rituals involving hand-washing, counting, or checking to ward off persistent, unwelcome thoughts, feelings, or images.

Obsessions — unwanted intrusive thoughts

Constant, irrational worry about dirt, germs, or contamination.
Excessive concern with order, arrangement, or symmetry.
Fear that negative or aggressive thoughts or impulses will cause personal harm or harm to a loved one.
Preoccupation with losing or throwing away objects with little or no value.
Excessive concern about accidentally or purposefully injuring another person.
Feeling overly responsible for the safety of others.
Distasteful religious and sexual thoughts or images.
Doubting that is irrational or excessive.

Compulsions — ritualistic behaviors and routines to ease anxiety or distress
Cleaning — Repeatedly washing one’s hands, bathing, or cleaning household items, often for hours at a time.
Checking — Checking and re-checking several to hundreds of times a day that the doors are locked, the stove is turned off, the hairdryer is unplugged, etc.
Repeating — Inability to stop repeating a name, phrase, or simple activity (such as going through a doorway over and over).
Hoarding — Difficulty throwing away useless items such as old newspapers or magazines, bottle caps, or rubber bands.
Touching and arranging
Mental rituals — Endless reviewing of conversations, counting; repetitively calling up “good” thoughts to neutralize “bad” thoughts or obsessions; or excessive praying and using special words or phrases to neutralize obsessions.
Obsessions and rituals associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder can interfere with a person's normal routine, schoolwork, job, family, or social activities. Several hours every day may be spent focusing on obsessive thoughts and performing seemingly senseless rituals. Trying to concentrate on daily activities may be difficult. Left untreated, OCD can interfere with all aspects of life.


Children can suffer from OCD as well (see Helping a Child with OCD and Anxiety Disorders in Children and Teens). Unlike adults, however, children with OCD do not realize that their obsessions and compulsions are excessive.


Panic Disorder
Panic disorder is diagnosed in people who experience spontaneous, seemingly out-of-the-blue panic attacks and are preoccupied with the fear of a recurring attack. Panic attacks occur unexpectedly, sometimes even during sleep.

A panic attack is defined as the abrupt onset of intense fear that reaches a peak within a few minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:


a feeling of imminent danger or doom
the need to escape
heart palpitations
sweating
trembling
shortness of breath or
a smothering feeling
a feeling of choking
chest pain or discomfort
nausea or abdominal discomfort
dizziness or lightheadedness
a sense of things being unreal, depersonalization
a fear of losing control or "going crazy"
a fear of dying
tingling sensation
chills or heat flush



Since many of the symptoms of panic disorder mimic those of illnesses such as heart disease, thyroid problems, and breathing disorders, people with panic disorder often make many visits to emergency rooms or doctors' offices, convinced they have a life-threatening illness. It often takes months or years and a great deal of frustration before receiving the correct diagnosis. Many people suffering from panic attacks don't know they have a real and treatable disorder.

Panic disorder typically develops in early adulthood. It is three times more common in women than in men. Many people don't know that their disorder is real and highly responsive to treatment. Some are afraid or embarrassed to tell anyone, including their doctors and loved ones, about what they experience for fear of being considered a hypochondriac. Instead they suffer in silence, distancing themselves from friends, family, and others who could be helpful or supportive.

The disorder often occurs with other mental and physical disorders, including other anxiety disorders, depression, irritable bowel syndrome, asthma, or substance abuse. This may complicate of getting a correct diagnosis.

Agoraphobia
Some people stop going into situations or places in which they've previously had a panic attack in anticipation of it happening again. These people have agoraphobia, and they typically avoid public places where they feel immediate escape might be difficult, such as shopping malls, public transportation, or large sports arenas. Their world may become smaller as they are constantly on guard, waiting for the next panic attack. Some people develop a fixed route or territory, and it may become impossible for them to travel beyond their safety zones without suffering severe anxiety. About one in three people with panic disorder develops agoraphobia.

(from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9672.php)

Agoraphobia is a Greek word that literally means "fear of the marketplace." This anxiety disorder involves the fear of experiencing a panic attack in a place or situation from which escape may be difficult or embarrassing.

The anxiety associated with agoraphobia is so severe that panic attacks are not unusual, and individuals with agoraphobia typically try to avoid the location or cause of their fear. Agoraphobia involves fear of situations such as:

-- being alone outside his/her home
-- being at home alone
-- being in a crowd
-- traveling in a vehicle
-- being in an elevator or on a bridge

People with agoraphobia typically avoid crowded places like streets, crowded stores, churches, and theaters.

What are the characteristics of agoraphobia?

Most people with agoraphobia develop the disorder after first suffering a series of one or more panic attacks. The attacks occur randomly and without warning, and make it impossible for a person to predict what situations will trigger the reaction. This unpredictability of the panic causes the person to anticipate future panic attacks and, eventually, fear any situation in which an attack may occur. As a result, they avoid going into any place or situation where previous panic attacks have occurred.

People with the disorder often become so disabled that they literally feel they cannot leave their homes. Others who have agoraphobia, do go into potentially "phobic" situations, but only with great distress, or when accompanied by a trusted friend or family member.

Persons with agoraphobia may also develop depression, fatigue, tension, alcohol or drug abuse problems, and obsessive disorders, making seeking treatment crucial.

Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia

Social anxiety disorder can wreak havoc on the social and romantic lives of the 15 million American adults who suffer from the disorder, leaving them isolated, ashamed and in some cases, misdiagnosed, according to a new survey commissioned by the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA). One of the most troubling findings is that 36% of people with the disorder report experiencing symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help.

“Social anxiety disorder can have a profound effect on social interactions that most people take for granted," says ADAA President & CEO Jerilyn Ross, MA, LICSW. "In extreme cases, the disorder can disrupt social lives to the point that people may have few or no relationships at all, making them feel powerless and alone."

Everyone can relate to feeling anxious before giving a presentation or asking someone out on a date. But those with social anxiety disorder experience an intense fear of being scrutinized and negatively evaluated by others in social or performance situations. Some people with the disorder, also called social phobia, literally feel sick from fear in seemingly nonthreatening situations.

The disorder is often selective. Some people may have an intense fear of talking to a salesperson or giving a speech, but they may be comfortable in other similar settings. Other people may become anxious during routine activities such as starting a conversation with a stranger or a person in authority, participating in meetings or classes, or dating and attending parties.

Although they recognize that the fear is excessive and unreasonable, people with social anxiety disorder feel powerless against their anxiety. They are terrified they will embarrass or humiliate themselves. The anxiety can interfere significantly with daily routines, occupational performance, or social life, making it difficult to complete school, interview and get a job, and have friendships and romantic relationships.

Physical symptoms of social anxiety disorder may include blushing, profuse sweating, trembling, nausea, rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, dizziness, and headaches.

Social anxiety disorder usually begins in childhood or adolescence, and children are prone to clinging behavior, tantrums, and even mutism.[they may mean autism]


Specific Phobias

New places, high bridges, old elevators may make all of us a bit uneasy or even frightened. We might try to avoid things that make us uncomfortable, but most people generally manage to control their fears and carry out daily activities without incident. But people with specific phobias, or strong irrational fear reactions, work hard to avoid common places, situations, or objects even though they know there's no threat or danger. The fear may not make any sense, but they feel powerless to stop it. People who experience these seemingly excessive and unreasonable fears in the presence of or in anticipation of a specific object, place, or situation have a specific phobia.

Having phobias can disrupt daily routines, limit work efficiency, reduce self-esteem, and place a strain on relationships because people will do whatever they can to avoid the uncomfortable and often-terrifying feelings of phobic anxiety. While some phobias develop in childhood, most seem to arise unexpectedly, usually during adolescence or early adulthood. Their onset is usually sudden, and they may occur in situations that previously did not cause any discomfort or anxiety. Specific phobias commonly focus on animals, insects, heights, thunder, driving, public transportation, flying, dental or medical procedures, and elevators. Although people with phobias realize that their fear is irrational, even thinking about it can often cause extreme anxiety.



Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Posttraumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a serious potentially debilitating condition that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war, violent personal assault such as rape, or other life-threatening events. Most people who experience such events recover from them, but people with PTSD continue to be severely depressed and anxious for months or even years following the event. They frequently relive the event through flashbacks and nightmares. Relaxing, concentrating, or sleeping may become difficult, and they often feel detached or estranged from others.

Posttraumatic stress disorder is characterized by three main types of symptoms:

Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares.

Emotional numbness and avoidance of places, people, and activities that are reminders of the trauma.

Increased arousal such as difficulty sleeping and concentrating, feeling jumpy, and being easily irritated and angered.
PTSD is diagnosed after a person experiences symptoms for at least one month following a traumatic event. However symptoms may not appear until several months or even years later.

Women are twice as likely to develop posttraumatic stress disorder as men, and children can also develop it. PTSD often occurs with depression, substance abuse, or other anxiety disorders.

Fast Facts About PTSD

7.7 million Americans age 18 and older have PTSD.

PTSD can develop after a traumatic event such as a sexual or physical assault, witnessing a death, the unexpected death of a loved one, natural disaster, or a terrorist attack.

Sixty-seven percent of people exposed to mass violence have been shown to develop PTSD, a higher rate than those exposed to natural disasters or other types of traumatic events.

People who have experienced previous traumatic events run a higher risk of developing PTSD.

Treatment of PTSD can include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), group therapy, exposure therapy, and medication

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It is important that not only are we educated on our lives and what we are living with but that we educate others as well. It is important that we correct when we notice a mistake has been made or spoken. I know for me it is yet one more way that I strip away the unnecessary shame and empower myself.