That is always the question.
I have an appointment on Friday to speak with someone to start taking medication again for panic disorder/agoraphobia. It has taken me awhile to come to this decision and accept that I really do need medication to be able to move forward with reclaiming my independence and facing the things I have avoided doing regularly for so long.
The first medication I took was Paxil. I took that for 6 years. This was after living with and struggling with this disorder for 7 years medicine free (some times I was living other times, more often, I was struggling). I was prescribed Zoloft when I has my first major panic episode and became housebound for about 3 weeks. I filled the prescription but never took any of it. Fast forward 7 years where I was frustrated, depressed (big time), anxious (again big time) and suicidal. The breaking point for me was one time I was out practicing driving. I got so frustrated that I couldn't even drive around the block without the constant high level anxiety that I thought, "I should just slam the car into a tree and get it over with." I actually sat there for a few minutes deciding if I should really do it too. That same day (I believe) I called and made an appointment to see a therapist and a few weeks later I gave in and got on antidepressants.
I did have side effects primarily, drowsiness, twitching (eye), weird (and I do mean weird) dreams and unfortunately increased anxiety (now, couldn't they have figured out some way to get rid of that side affect since many of us are taking it to help REDUCE anxiety?!). The side effects were tolerable however and didn't last long. About 3 or 4 weeks into it I started to feel "good." My racing thoughts were gone. My emotions were stable and I wasn't anxious 24/7.
Why then am I, 6 years later, going back on meds? Because I have not advanced very much with this disorder in the way of getting my independence back. Again, you ask, why then am I taking meds again, they didn't cure me the last time so why go that route again? Well, I have discovered that meds will NOT cure me. Okay, I already knew this but I guess I forgot. I didn't do my work and I did NOT take responsibility in making sure I was doing what I needed to do for me so that I would heal. I did not do therapy consistently. I didn't do my breathing work consistently. I didn't exercise consistently. I didn't watch what I ate. I didn't keep the stress in check. I didn't monitor and challenge my negative thinking, my mistaken beliefs and my physically symptoms that tell me I'm getting off track. I didn't journal consistently. I didn't spend time with my spiritual Self often. I didn't address the things my soul was telling me I needed. I didn't take care of me like I should. I did do what I always have done: spend all of my time and energy focused on everyone else so I wouldn't have to look at me.
I see now exactly what role medication should play in my healing. It can not take the place of me doing the work I need to do. There is no way around changing my life...that is if I truly want a life. I will have to do those things I mentioned previously. And I will have to do them for a lifetime, not just the meantime. This is big and hard for me because it requires me to change the way I think. It requires me to learn to believe that I truly am worthy and valuable enough to take care of me. Now that's revolutionary change!
(I'll let you all know how the appointment goes)
3 comments:
Dawn----I can totally relate. I was diagnosed only a year ago but went through a lot of meds to find what was right. I don't like taking them and have tried taking myself off several times....but the reality is that my quality of life is so much better on them, than without them....that I may be on them for life. We'll see. If nobody has tried you on Ativan yet, see if they will. It's meant as a "rescue medication", taken when an attack starts, and it stops it in its tracks in 10-15 minutes. I take it as a scheduled medication; it lets me sleep better with no weird dreams and no waking up at 3 AM, unable to get back to sleep AND then one to start my day. Good luck and keep us posted! Terri
Thanks for responding Terri. It is great that the quality of your life has improved. That's what matters right? :)
take great care.
Agoraphobia is a condition that develops gradually. In general it occurs after a panic attack. After the first attack you may subconsciously be preparing for another attack and fearing the symptoms that will leave you feeling helpless. This cycle of panic attack and impending panic attack can cause you to change your entire lifestyle just to avoid those feelings of terror. As panic attacks can occur anywhere at anytime, we generally associate the first place that we feel helpless as perhaps the reason for our terror. http://www.xanax-effects.com/
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