untitled

It looks like the depression stuck around longer than I thought. I have hit a weird place..I want to say a place I have not hit before but maybe I have. It feels like I put on the breaks, made them stop the ride and I got off. The anxiety is around much more and it seems like my life is getting smaller. I have real trust issues and I want to just shut down my heart and my mind (no dreams, goals, desires...) Oh how I wish I could be like Mr. Spock and suppress my emotions. Maybe I have done that and that's the problem...I am exhausted and I want to just live under the covers in my fairy tale world of tv cartoons and witches, wizards and space travel (harry potter, star trek). I can't since it wouldn't be fair to my children who need me. Plus it isn't fair to my "safe person" who needs his life back.

I try not to dream, long, desire but little bits sneak in. My thoughts come back to psychology and how I'd like to be a therapist and help others who are dealing with this one day (as well address the mental health of the homeless population). I am constantly watching the Travel channel, living through Samantha Brown and ANthony Bourdain (I love Andrew Zimmer but I have no desire to eat what he eats!) I snatch little pieces of freedom and independence in my dreams where it's safe (sorta) and then dismiss it just as quickly.

I am distancing myself from my friends. I do not want to be a bother and I know they are sick of my same ole lame ass story of why I'm unable to do this, that or the other. I am embarrassed.

I'm looking for another therapist...again. We shall see...It's anyone's guess where I will end up. (not complaining, not whining, not expecting any pity or special treatment...just calling it as I see it)