untitled

It looks like the depression stuck around longer than I thought. I have hit a weird place..I want to say a place I have not hit before but maybe I have. It feels like I put on the breaks, made them stop the ride and I got off. The anxiety is around much more and it seems like my life is getting smaller. I have real trust issues and I want to just shut down my heart and my mind (no dreams, goals, desires...) Oh how I wish I could be like Mr. Spock and suppress my emotions. Maybe I have done that and that's the problem...I am exhausted and I want to just live under the covers in my fairy tale world of tv cartoons and witches, wizards and space travel (harry potter, star trek). I can't since it wouldn't be fair to my children who need me. Plus it isn't fair to my "safe person" who needs his life back.

I try not to dream, long, desire but little bits sneak in. My thoughts come back to psychology and how I'd like to be a therapist and help others who are dealing with this one day (as well address the mental health of the homeless population). I am constantly watching the Travel channel, living through Samantha Brown and ANthony Bourdain (I love Andrew Zimmer but I have no desire to eat what he eats!) I snatch little pieces of freedom and independence in my dreams where it's safe (sorta) and then dismiss it just as quickly.

I am distancing myself from my friends. I do not want to be a bother and I know they are sick of my same ole lame ass story of why I'm unable to do this, that or the other. I am embarrassed.

I'm looking for another therapist...again. We shall see...It's anyone's guess where I will end up. (not complaining, not whining, not expecting any pity or special treatment...just calling it as I see it)

It's been a long time...

(Eric B & Rakim always pop into my head when I type that--smile)

I have neglected my blog for a minute but I haven't forgotten it. I still plan on doing my podcast and I am still moving forward. I hit a little bump but that hasn't and won't stop me. :)

It seems like the winter holiday season brought out a bit of a depression for me. Maybe it was the change in my routine because of the holiday break. The anxiety was higher and it has been more difficult to push myself to "run toward the roar." Guess I'm walking toward the roar these days but hey, as long as I get there it doesn't matter right?

I have reached one of my goals so I am proud of that. I am driving a bit with no other adult with me and I am working on doing things including being alone more (again without my so called safe person(s) ). I am DETERMINED to not go back to where I was. Period!

I am thinking about things I had avoided for along time. Things like dreams, goals and my life's purpose. That is scary in itself but hey, "run toward the roar." Or in the words of the late great Bernie Mac, "I ain't scared of you!"

I guess the bottom line is I'm starting to think about life, my life,thinking about living my life. Enjoying my life. Being bold in my life, loud in my life, colorful in my life, LOVING MY LIFE.

(back with you soon)