On feeling ashamed

I am going to try to be as honest and authentic here as possible. I have to admit it is still difficult to write about this disorder. I am still stuck in the place where I look at others and think what is wrong with me that I have such a difficult time doing those "normal" everyday things that everyone else does with such ease? I still have a hard time accepting this is a disorder.

It is unfair to judge and criticize myself harshly. I know that there are those who have difficulty accepting mental illnesses and disorders as actual "illnesses" and "disorders" just the same as having physical illnesses or disorders. Maybe it is because mental disorders are not visible and often the struggle is internal. But diabetes is not necessarily a visible disorder and no one ever tells someone with diabetes to just "get over it." Maybe it's because mental illness and disorders are not life threatening. Many people self medicate with alcohol when dealing with mental illness/disorders. Some people cannot cope and commit suicide. So, these illnesses and disorders can be life threatening. I suppose I could maybe all evening, trying to figure out why there is such stigma attached to mental illness. Why those of us living with these disorders so often feel we have to hide out of fear of being judged inferior and made to feel shame because of something we cannot control.

The main focus has to be empowerment and healing. There is no room for shame in our healing. That is one reason I constantly talk about my panic disorder and agoraphobia. I tried to not claim it as "mine" in hopes that it would go away. Well, it didn't and it doesn't seem like it is going anywhere...and neither am I. So that means I might as well own what is mine and learn how to live with it rather than let it control the way I live. The first and one of the biggest steps is my daily effort to not allow shame affect my progress (notice I said daily effort?)

I have heard some hurtful things regarding this disorder. My relationships have been affected. I sometimes feel left out. All of this is difficult and sad. But despite all of that I still wake up everyday thinking, "how will I move past this?" I am NOT giving up! And neither should you. Regardless of how ashamed you may feel, how afraid you are, how inferior you may think you are, you owe it to yourself and the rest of us anxiety dealing folks to keep moving forward. No one, regardless of what we are dealing and living with knows where we are going. We think we do but we don't. So all we can ever do is make a choice and move forward. Every little thing we do in our behalf is moving forward.

So forward I go...one little baby step at a time.