It's 3:30am and I can't sleep. I woke up because of allergies and stayed up because I started thinking about this disorder.
Since I am "keeping it real" here I must address the positive with the negative, especially when it comes to my thought process. Those with anxiety disorders or who have been through therapy know about negative thinking and how it must be addressed. (sorry if this post isn't too clear. It's 3am. :) )
I am having a difficult time with not running from the panic. It has been automatic to run rather than fight that urge and just sit with it and let it pass. It is such an awful feeling and mentally it is crippling for those moments.
I know the only way to move pass this is to face it head on. I also know I do not have to slay the monster with one blow. I can do this in small steps repeatedly and get the results I desire. It is hard however to make myself believe that I will actually be able to do this. I have dealt with this for so long that I wonder if I am beyond help. I wonder if it is my fate in life and if I should just try to adjust my life to accept my limitations. Just typing that makes me sad and feels unacceptable.
It is truly hell to live with this level of anxiety and to try to carry on with one's day to day activities. It wears on one's soul and self worth. I wish I could say that I know you all do not know what I am talking about but unfortunately some of you do. All I can wish for is that we all can find some relief from the anxiety and keep a light inside us that directs us towards our freedom from this.
Oh well, enough rambling for one night. Maybe I can sleep now that I have gotten that out of my head. I will have to make a conscious effort to stop the cyclical thoughts and just focus on rest and sleep.
Good night and peaceful dreams
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2 comments:
Hey dawn. this is supalady05 (tiffany) from the chat yesterday. derrick gave me the address to your blog. i was just reading and wanted to say i understand the whole panic thing (obviously, lol)... i think you're courageous for starting a podcast about anxiety and dealing with it. i hope you didn't mind me reading. :-)
tiffany.
Hi Tiffany,
I appreciate you reading.:) And thanks for logging on yesterday.
It helps me to talk about it because I still carry around so much shame. I really do not want anyone else to suffer the way some of us do with this disorder. If my words can help one person then it's worth it.
I'm glad you are on the group. Thank you. :)
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